My Neighbors #satire. BRB moving to Florida

I was recently reading my side bar on Facebook. A woman in Florida was stopped by a cop and they found cocaine in her purse. Her response? "It's a windy day. The wind probably blew it into my bag." I just sat there like, that's beautiful. I hate participation trophies, but give her a big one. Then, it hit me. Every time I see some weird news story, it's almost always in Florida.

Maybe I need to move to Florida. Maybe that's where my tribe is.

My townhouse is literally on a tiny side street. There's only one way in and only people who own or rent townhouses live on that street. One would think with a limited number of people on my street, it would be quiet, but that is not the case.

Condo to my right has been a revolving door of crazy. Newest resident killed all the flowers in my flowerbed her second day here and erected a religious statue for a religion I don't follow to hang out with my Buddhas. She frequently likes to decorate my flowerbed for holidays, but does nothing with her own.

Neighbor to the left has decided I'm a shut in because I work strange hours from home now. Newest resident to the right gets up to some sort of voodoo, it doesn't matter what room I'm in there's thumping and slamming through the walls and her dog is constantly crying.

One fine Sunday, I'm relaxing, watching Netflix. Whatever shit show is going on next door has MY dogs upset. Now, most normal people would just knock on my door if they heard my dogs barking when they usually never hear them. (My bedroom window was open). Did that happen? Nope.

Neighbor to the left couldn't knock himself. He jumps to the conclusion that just because HE hadn't seen me outside (I'm out walking my dogs, taking out the trash, or running errands on any given day) that my dogs must gave been barking OVER MY CORPSE.

So, the fire department broke down my back door. I go flying downstairs in time to see my back door flying open and an army of people in my backyard. It is my day off, so I'm currently sporting pajamas and "I've been hit by the garbage truck" chic. I've got some lady taking his word over mine and asking me stupid questions about if I know what day it is and what the date is and NO ONE IS ANSWERING WHO IS FIXING MY FUCKING DOOR!

That's not the most fucked up thing in the 12 years I've been living here, but it's the first that's damaged my personal property. So, The Neighbors, A Totally True Parody will be coming soon. There will be corrupt HOA members, HOA members harboring unregistered sex offenders right next to a school, a few disgruntled renters that decided to rob, neighborly violence, a booty call that ended in death, and a few other fucked up things that happened since I bought this place.

I'll probably end up making all of them pod people or cannibals because there cannot be this much crazy on one small street without a logical explanation like aliens

#Freebiefriday and book giveaway

Today is Freebiefriday on my Amazon page. Feet of Clay is free on Amazon today. I went to some dark places in this book, so if you don't like that, you might want to skip this one.

The giveaway for The Flight of Crowgirl is ending on instafreebie on 8/31. New subscribers to my mailing list will get a link to download the original Crow Girl

Also, this cover for the expanded Flash is giving me fits. My beta readers appear to be on Team Decorative Font and so do a few designers. A lot of authors tend to be on Team Blocky Font. For the record, I'm on Team Decorative font. Which team are you on so I can get more confused and drown myself in Jameson?

Flight of Crow Girl release and Audiobook take 2

So, trying out new things promotion and release wise. The Crow Girl sequel, "The Flight of Crow GIrl" will be released in paperback as soon as createspace sends Amazon the file. For now, it's Free for download on instafreebie. Also if you sign up for my newsletter you will get a welcome email with a link to download the original Crow Girl for free.

So that's done. Now I'm going back to attempting to record an audio book after being busy with that all day. The first time I attempted this was my last day off. I was rearing and reading to go and attempted to record for hours. Stepped back, took a break, and joined a facebook group for ACX narrators and got some help.

Now I'm back on my day off again. I've got my headset on. I've got Audacity pulled up. I've got the manuscript pulled up.......and I"m feeling like a total knob for sitting here talking to myself.

I should probably get up and eat something since the calories I have consumed since I woke up came from coffee and coffee creamer. I'll probably need some Jameson too.

Then I'll have to record a little bit at the end of the book thanking Jameson and Kerrygold for making the booze and cheese that got me through recording this audio book.

I DO have several books posted for audition on ACX that need accents I'm not sure I can do or a male narrator. I should, in theory, be able to record this series myself, since I've been performing in some capacity or the other since I was 7. I've done live theatre, sang solos, DANCED solos, done monoloques, etc.

Maybe I need to bring my laptop to starbucks and perform this audio book for everyone there. Maybe what's missing is the audience. Do you think they would ban me if I made it entertaining and kept buying frappucinos while I was there? Even when I get to the part in the book about the botanist with a foot fetish? Maybe they'll even let me stay when I start talking dick pics? Startbucks is pretty liberal, right?

My "porn book" is free today on Amazon

Salome:A Modern Retelling is free today on Amazon. This is not a biblical tale in the slightest. Herod is a drug lord and John is a snitch. I also killed someone who was irritating me on Facebook in this book.

This book also garnered me my favorite review EVER. "This book is utter porn." Hence I joined the porn writers of America club. I also decided to have Liam refer to all romance books as Porn Books in the Crow Girl sequel I loved that so much.

ANYWAY, the book is free today. It's not a biblical tale. If you're offended by sex, drugs, and rock and roll, you'll probably want to skip it. If sex and drugs have you clutching your pearls, you might want to skip it. But if you like twisted tales with drama, sex, and crime, you might just want to pick it up

All the feels and ideas for sequels

I'm getting all sorts of feels and ideas for sequels to both Crow Girl and Salome. Not like, extended series like the Mauve books, more like me hopping on stage, having my say, dropping the mic, and exiting stage left. I've been thinking maybe I should just jump on a real stage and grab a mic from someone, but they tend to arrest you for that. If I write these sequels, I can sit quietly behind my computer with my coffee and this fucking cat who keeps trying to sit on my mouse.

I never actually set out to write any series at all. I've actually been reading several series by several famous authors since I was around 13 or so. Mainly, I stole them from my mum or read the back while she was grocery shopping and demanded she buy it for me. My mum let me read all sorts of inappropriate things as a child.

As I am much older than thirteen now, I still read some of these series, almost 30 years later. Now that I'm writing, when I read these series, they kind of scare me. I see they are popular and hell, I've been reading them for decades. But in most cases, these series are all the author writes anymore and they write full time, unlike me.

I kind of think about how their fans would react if they decided to totally switch genres and write something else. Say, a crime writer gets an idea for a fantasy book or a fantasy writer wants to switch and write a political thriller. These authors have a fan base who expects certain things from their books and I wonder if they ever feel trapped by their series and characters or if they enjoy writing them just as much as the first time they created them.

Obviously, I have 0 fan base and I write what pops in my head or what I happened to dream that night. I'm pretty much all over the place genre-wise and that's where I prefer to stay. I had a blast writing The Spirus series and have ideas for future books. The Mauve series is going to follow her complete training until they eventually catch The Arm. I don't know if I'll continue once she's a fully trained agent. There may be something there when I get to that point, but I will keep writing the series until she gets her black belt and catches The Arm. She's only working on her green belt right now, so there's several more books like.

So yeah, the idea of writing a series and it catching on scares the shit out of me. Don't ask me why I have ideas for sequels popping into my head every night when I'm trying to sleep, but they are. I'm getting faster at writing, so the Crow Girl and Salome sequel may end up happening between Mauve books. I have no idea if these sequels keep popping into my head because my latest books are a lot shorter than my first three and maybe I'm just not FINISHED with it when I think I am. Maybe when I think I'm done, I need to stick it in a ziplock baggie in the fridge to marinate for a few days or go sit in the corner with a dunce cap on until I'm SURE I've said everything I wanted to say.

Oh, and by the way, Mauve: Origins is back to being perma free on Amazon now that my KU enrollment is up. I'm going to say don't go download it because it you like it, you may download the other books, then other people might do the same and people might start expecting things from me.

I'm going to go sit awkwardly in the corner with my dunce cap now

Coming Soon! New Mauve book!

Mauve Part 3, the saga continues.

There's a new hacker group that could possibly bring Mauve and her team closer to The Arm. To gain access to The Vipers and to get closer to The Arm, Mauve, Cadmium, and Jeremy must go deep under cover in Louisiana, pretending to be claims adjusters. The new bounty on the hacker forum involves a program written written Affirmative, Jeremy's previous employer and Mauve and her team's last bust. The program is meant to exploit the high insurance fraud in Louisiana and give the hackers the data to blackmail those committing fraud.

While in New Orleans, the mysterious Cadmium's past blows up on everyone there. Armed with the tools they need, our trio returns home to continue their training and see how many busts they can get from this one undercover operation. Can they get The Arm this time?

Combined works

When you put them all together, it looks like I actually got some shit done