My Neighbors #satire. BRB moving to Florida

I was recently reading my side bar on Facebook. A woman in Florida was stopped by a cop and they found cocaine in her purse. Her response? "It's a windy day. The wind probably blew it into my bag." I just sat there like, that's beautiful. I hate participation trophies, but give her a big one. Then, it hit me. Every time I see some weird news story, it's almost always in Florida.

Maybe I need to move to Florida. Maybe that's where my tribe is.

My townhouse is literally on a tiny side street. There's only one way in and only people who own or rent townhouses live on that street. One would think with a limited number of people on my street, it would be quiet, but that is not the case.

Condo to my right has been a revolving door of crazy. Newest resident killed all the flowers in my flowerbed her second day here and erected a religious statue for a religion I don't follow to hang out with my Buddhas. She frequently likes to decorate my flowerbed for holidays, but does nothing with her own.

Neighbor to the left has decided I'm a shut in because I work strange hours from home now. Newest resident to the right gets up to some sort of voodoo, it doesn't matter what room I'm in there's thumping and slamming through the walls and her dog is constantly crying.

One fine Sunday, I'm relaxing, watching Netflix. Whatever shit show is going on next door has MY dogs upset. Now, most normal people would just knock on my door if they heard my dogs barking when they usually never hear them. (My bedroom window was open). Did that happen? Nope.

Neighbor to the left couldn't knock himself. He jumps to the conclusion that just because HE hadn't seen me outside (I'm out walking my dogs, taking out the trash, or running errands on any given day) that my dogs must gave been barking OVER MY CORPSE.

So, the fire department broke down my back door. I go flying downstairs in time to see my back door flying open and an army of people in my backyard. It is my day off, so I'm currently sporting pajamas and "I've been hit by the garbage truck" chic. I've got some lady taking his word over mine and asking me stupid questions about if I know what day it is and what the date is and NO ONE IS ANSWERING WHO IS FIXING MY FUCKING DOOR!

That's not the most fucked up thing in the 12 years I've been living here, but it's the first that's damaged my personal property. So, The Neighbors, A Totally True Parody will be coming soon. There will be corrupt HOA members, HOA members harboring unregistered sex offenders right next to a school, a few disgruntled renters that decided to rob, neighborly violence, a booty call that ended in death, and a few other fucked up things that happened since I bought this place.

I'll probably end up making all of them pod people or cannibals because there cannot be this much crazy on one small street without a logical explanation like aliens

Flash-A Death Story is getting upgraded

Flash-A Death story is getting upgraded from a short story to a full length medical thriller. I just started writing last night and it should be live within the next few weeks. If you've ever read one of my books, you know I take a lot of care with the interior and graphics. I couldn't start writing last night until I had found proper graphics, redone the title page, decided on a font, and I've already redone the cover this morning.

FLASH-a Death Story will be rereleased with an expanded plot and a new cover sometime soon, but here's a peek at the new cover

Recording an audio book

So, today is my day off. Record an audio book, I said. You could probably finish one book on your day off, I said. THAT IS TOTALLY NOT HAPPENING.

I did my research. I knew how to format it to upload it and what is required. I had Audacity up and ready to go.

I get two words of the title out and am like, that is awful and delete it. Eek out the title and my name. Hit play. My air conditioner is still fucked, but should be fixed soon. You can totally hear the fan I have in the room with me in the background. Fiddle around with recording the title about 4 more times and eventually figure out how to remove the noise and a little help from mah friends.

Technically, I SHOULD be recording the first chapter right now. I have it pulled up and ready to go. I know how to remove the fan noise now. But it's storming, yet again, because we are in the middle of hurricane season and my not so bright dog thinks we're in the middle of a home invasion or something. I've got two dogs. The pit bull, who is blissfully passed out on my bed and would probably want to play with a robber if I actually was in the middle of a home invasion. She's pretty much the worst guard dog ever.

Then you have my mutant bratwurst dog. How can a dog be a mutant bratwurst? See, this whole designer hybrid phase people are doing totally creates mutant bratwurst dogs. Basically, someone bred two dogs together and created a mutt that people will pay a ton of money for because they slapped the label designer hybrid on it and made up stories about how he's a magical unicorn. I didn't pay designer hybrid prices for him. I paid Heinz 57 adoption fees for him, then found out later he's a magical unicorn.

I try to remind him he's a magical unicorn when he's doing things like licking my kindle when I'm trying to read, barking when I'm trying to record an audio book, and destroying my bed sheets because he hates toys. He's content to just be a mutant bratwurst and do his own thing though and that's okay because he's really affectionate and an awesome snuggler. And hey, if this was a home invasion and not a thunder storm, this pit bull wouldn't make a peep, so I've got a 20lb mutant bratwurst protecting the house just in case.

I'm sure when I hit publish on this blog and go back to trying to record, he's going to start barking again. I'm not going to yell at him because I don't yell at my dogs. I'll go in there and scratch his belly and see if he goes to sleep

All the feels and ideas for sequels

I'm getting all sorts of feels and ideas for sequels to both Crow Girl and Salome. Not like, extended series like the Mauve books, more like me hopping on stage, having my say, dropping the mic, and exiting stage left. I've been thinking maybe I should just jump on a real stage and grab a mic from someone, but they tend to arrest you for that. If I write these sequels, I can sit quietly behind my computer with my coffee and this fucking cat who keeps trying to sit on my mouse.

I never actually set out to write any series at all. I've actually been reading several series by several famous authors since I was around 13 or so. Mainly, I stole them from my mum or read the back while she was grocery shopping and demanded she buy it for me. My mum let me read all sorts of inappropriate things as a child.

As I am much older than thirteen now, I still read some of these series, almost 30 years later. Now that I'm writing, when I read these series, they kind of scare me. I see they are popular and hell, I've been reading them for decades. But in most cases, these series are all the author writes anymore and they write full time, unlike me.

I kind of think about how their fans would react if they decided to totally switch genres and write something else. Say, a crime writer gets an idea for a fantasy book or a fantasy writer wants to switch and write a political thriller. These authors have a fan base who expects certain things from their books and I wonder if they ever feel trapped by their series and characters or if they enjoy writing them just as much as the first time they created them.

Obviously, I have 0 fan base and I write what pops in my head or what I happened to dream that night. I'm pretty much all over the place genre-wise and that's where I prefer to stay. I had a blast writing The Spirus series and have ideas for future books. The Mauve series is going to follow her complete training until they eventually catch The Arm. I don't know if I'll continue once she's a fully trained agent. There may be something there when I get to that point, but I will keep writing the series until she gets her black belt and catches The Arm. She's only working on her green belt right now, so there's several more books like.

So yeah, the idea of writing a series and it catching on scares the shit out of me. Don't ask me why I have ideas for sequels popping into my head every night when I'm trying to sleep, but they are. I'm getting faster at writing, so the Crow Girl and Salome sequel may end up happening between Mauve books. I have no idea if these sequels keep popping into my head because my latest books are a lot shorter than my first three and maybe I'm just not FINISHED with it when I think I am. Maybe when I think I'm done, I need to stick it in a ziplock baggie in the fridge to marinate for a few days or go sit in the corner with a dunce cap on until I'm SURE I've said everything I wanted to say.

Oh, and by the way, Mauve: Origins is back to being perma free on Amazon now that my KU enrollment is up. I'm going to say don't go download it because it you like it, you may download the other books, then other people might do the same and people might start expecting things from me.

I'm going to go sit awkwardly in the corner with my dunce cap now

Special Agent Mauve Origins update

The original Special Agent Mauve story is getting a few new updates. I recently went through and cleaned it up and gave it similar formatting and graphics like the second book and what I'm doing with the third book.

Since my Kindle unlimited enrollment for the Origins story will be up on the 4th and I can go back to making it permafree (read the fine print, people. It saves lives). I decided to update the cover on Origins so that it's more in line with the second book and what I did with the third.

The new cover will be submitted tomorrow and the book will go back to always being free on the 5th, or as soon as Amazon responds to my message and makes it free again.

But lets have a cover reveal in the meantime, shall we?

Coming Soon! New Mauve book!

Mauve Part 3, the saga continues.

There's a new hacker group that could possibly bring Mauve and her team closer to The Arm. To gain access to The Vipers and to get closer to The Arm, Mauve, Cadmium, and Jeremy must go deep under cover in Louisiana, pretending to be claims adjusters. The new bounty on the hacker forum involves a program written written Affirmative, Jeremy's previous employer and Mauve and her team's last bust. The program is meant to exploit the high insurance fraud in Louisiana and give the hackers the data to blackmail those committing fraud.

While in New Orleans, the mysterious Cadmium's past blows up on everyone there. Armed with the tools they need, our trio returns home to continue their training and see how many busts they can get from this one undercover operation. Can they get The Arm this time?

Mauve-The full length book. Coming soon

What do hackers, a hairless cat, hipsters, a botanist with a foot fetish, and dick pics have in common?

You probably sent me a messed up PM on facebook and got snarked on in Mauve's full length book. Nothing is sacred and I make fun of everything.

I think I went a little more Palahniuk than The Naked Gun with this one, but it's still in the same spirit as the original short story, even if I got a little gross. Grosser than barfing on someone. (That entire thing with the eggrolls totally happened to me in real life in the 6th grade when I was traveling with a group. I was stuck in a van for hours with just a garbage bag and a bunch of people mad at me for getting food poisoning) Thankfully, most gas station food has progressed since way back when I was 11. There's a pretty sweet gas station by my parents house that sells Greek food in the corner. Like, real, delicious Greek food that doesn't give you food poisoning.

Which is more than I can say for the grocery story by my house. Sometimes, when I edit, I need donuts. I crave donuts. I go all Homer Simpson for donuts and can't get any work done unless I get a donut in my face hole. Do you know how awful it is to get donuts ruined for you because you got food poisoning from donuts from the grocery store by your house? It put me off donuts for a good month. Until I needed to edit again.

Protip: When editing or writing, the Waitr app will deliver delicious donuts, Greek food, or Indian food directly to your facehole so you don't have to take a break to cook if you're in the middle of an intense scene

Special Agent Mauve and The Spirus

Special Agent Mauve was a silly little short story I wrote based on a dream I had and a rather mortifying experience in the sixth grade (if you've read it, the eggrolls happened to me in real life). A few reviewers have gotten upset with me because it wasn't longer and thought it ended too quickly.

So little Agent Mauve is getting her own full length novel. I'm about 15K words in. We see more of Mauve's personal life and there is a new mission with new shenanigans. Will Mauve save the day in her own special way?

I'm also working on the fourth book in the Spirus series. We learn more about the tribes and Lisana finally takes the throne. We learn more about the crowning ceremonies for the tribes and we explore what the Spirus gifts can do in this book.

There are things that are required viewing when I'm writing. There's either movies I watch or television shows. I ended up switching from showtime to Starz when I found out Starz was doing both the White Princess and American Gods. I also found a plethora of period time shows for me to watch while I'm working on the Spirus books. How did I not have Starz before? I've watched Outlander, Pillars of the Earth, and now I'm watching Davinci's Demons.

There is different required viewing for the Mauve series, which I'm working on at the same time. The fact that I can stream every single season of the Golden Girls is quite a beautiful thing. I'm working my way through season 1 as I write. Blanche is my spirit animal and I speak Sophia.

Also, Midnight's Sonata will be free on Amazon tomorrow. So be on the lookout. Mauve is getting her own book and the fourth book in the Spirus series will be dropping soon

So Your Cat Wants to Kill You

I should pretty much never be left to my own devices. Like, ever. I need to be doing,minimum, two things at once. I had this covered up until recently. Now, I'm trying to bide my time by making the second thing I do during the day is read during down time.

I'm in a few review groups on goodreads. I had chosen a book from one of these review groups and was waiting on a copy. Two days had gone by and it still hadn't arrived. So I'm sitting here, just doing one thing, which is always dangerous.

So yeah, this happened.


Why is your cat always plotting your death? Why do they always have to fuck shit up? What's REALLY with them always shoving their butthole in your face and why do they have to rub it on everything?

It should be up on Amazon probably tomorrow. It should be up on a few extended distribution shortly. Google play to come. It's totally silly, but there's some cat tips from my years of fostering cats