Monday, April 9, 2018

My Neighbors #satire. BRB moving to Florida

I was recently reading my side bar on Facebook. A woman in Florida was stopped by a cop and they found cocaine in her purse. Her response? "It's a windy day. The wind probably blew it into my bag." I just sat there like, that's beautiful. I hate participation trophies, but give her a big one. Then, it hit me. Every time I see some weird news story, it's almost always in Florida.

Maybe I need to move to Florida. Maybe that's where my tribe is.

My townhouse is literally on a tiny side street. There's only one way in and only people who own or rent townhouses live on that street. One would think with a limited number of people on my street, it would be quiet, but that is not the case.

Condo to my right has been a revolving door of crazy. Newest resident killed all the flowers in my flowerbed her second day here and erected a religious statue for a religion I don't follow to hang out with my Buddhas. She frequently likes to decorate my flowerbed for holidays, but does nothing with her own.

Neighbor to the left has decided I'm a shut in because I work strange hours from home now. Newest resident to the right gets up to some sort of voodoo, it doesn't matter what room I'm in there's thumping and slamming through the walls and her dog is constantly crying.

One fine Sunday, I'm relaxing, watching Netflix. Whatever shit show is going on next door has MY dogs upset. Now, most normal people would just knock on my door if they heard my dogs barking when they usually never hear them. (My bedroom window was open). Did that happen? Nope.

Neighbor to the left couldn't knock himself. He jumps to the conclusion that just because HE hadn't seen me outside (I'm out walking my dogs, taking out the trash, or running errands on any given day) that my dogs must gave been barking OVER MY CORPSE.

So, the fire department broke down my back door. I go flying downstairs in time to see my back door flying open and an army of people in my backyard. It is my day off, so I'm currently sporting pajamas and "I've been hit by the garbage truck" chic. I've got some lady taking his word over mine and asking me stupid questions about if I know what day it is and what the date is and NO ONE IS ANSWERING WHO IS FIXING MY FUCKING DOOR!

That's not the most fucked up thing in the 12 years I've been living here, but it's the first that's damaged my personal property. So, The Neighbors, A Totally True Parody will be coming soon. There will be corrupt HOA members, HOA members harboring unregistered sex offenders right next to a school, a few disgruntled renters that decided to rob, neighborly violence, a booty call that ended in death, and a few other fucked up things that happened since I bought this place.

I'll probably end up making all of them pod people or cannibals because there cannot be this much crazy on one small street without a logical explanation like aliens

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